Five.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you are quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud in the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real, it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." - Bob Marley.

Happy Five.

What do you do when you are compelled to choose between two people and you sympathize with both? Is there always a "right" and "wrong" even in the most obvious cases of black and white? Can your loyalty to both make you defy logic even if you are trying your best to be rational? What if rationality lies in being torn?

You know those times when you are living a phase that will later become a dividing line in your life? And you have nothing to count upon but yourself to not lose your mind. And beyond all tendency, you have to force yourself to keep certain people close. 

The Delhiite remains a constant source of relentless support. Hearing me say the same things, again and again. Trying to keep me positive. Or at least not completely devoid of hope. Trying to show me logic when I am blind to everything. 

You know those times when a person comes and divides your life into the time before them and after?

That is what the Delhiite is.

It is very very hard. But I believe we are never given more than we are capable of handling. If this is a test for all of us, then so be it. Maybe this is how things will fall into place. Maybe they never were.

There are times I wonder when I will ever be okay with uncalled judgement being passed on my character by the people I know. When I'll be strong enough to not be affected even the slightest bit. My father says I should have that much conviction in myself and my own ideals to know when I owe it to myself to just ignore the other person's character analysis of me. To look them in the eye and have the determination to remain silent and not crumble inside. He says thats my biggest weakness. That I pretend to remain undaunted and I fight back, but at the end of it all, I will resign. Take it as a reaffirmation of my own fears. Help it become more real. And isn't it ironic how most of us are the constructors of our own breakdown?

If only we had the will power to stand firmly and remain loyal to ourselves and just believe in the fact that we know ourselves better, and that we aren't born to please everyone. If only we had the strength to not shatter when the people closest to us are of no help? If only we had that much belief in the fact that we are absolutely alone when it all comes down to the basics. And we are each capable of surviving that way; just fighting for ourselves and having nobody by our side to give us reassurances.
If only we had some faith in ourselves and stopped looking for it everywhere else but within.

So today was officially my last day at work. I am beyond relieved. The last three weeks were worse than what I had ever anticipated, and I went in with no expectations. In fact, in regular fashion, typical of myself, I went in with zero expectations. I had heard enough horror stories about the trauma interns face freshly into an organization or a firm. Floating around in the bottom of the pool isn't the best feeling. Personally, what bothered me the most was the fact that I was kept jobless for a very long time. This has been a learning experience only in terms of making me very skeptical about whether I'm cut out for a proper job with "tasks" being assigned to me.
I somehow can't see myself be happy in such an environment, ever.

I have always considered myself a realist. When it comes to my own life and future, I am very guarded. And I generally prepare for the worst case scenario in every situation. Does acceptance of the possibility of misfortune make you a pessimist? If you are more courageously hopeful when it comes to others, does that point toward a double standard?

I have another month at home. And something tells me I should spend it in the highest level of comfort and laziness possible. Come July, my life will be very different once more. I will be moving into the hostel and living with a bunch of girls, some known to me, some absolute strangers. Somehow I'm more wary of a few that I know. College will resume again and with it all the tests and assignments and presentations. I will be seeing the Delhiite after more than two months, and see how things are in that front. Distance and time apart always bring about subtle changes, be it good or bad. It would be interesting to see how things would be in a month's time.

I would like to write more, but I've had a long day and my thoughts aren't overly organized. More later.

"Not all those who wander are lost"

Every day spent idling away adds to my frustration. There's little that can be done in terms of improvement when I can't bring myself to talk about it. That's what my mother urges me to do..to talk about what's bothering me. All our lives, we indulge in the futility of enunciating the needless. When there is no way to make it to the shore, why start swimming?

I start every morning with a renewed resolution to be a little more positive and every following day is a testimony of my failure in doing just that. How hard is it to just be happy? Turns out, sometimes its the hardest thing to do. Being happy requires effort. It involves pushing down a lot of negativity that has become synonymous with your entire thought process. It involves denying yourself of a very convenient emotional pitfall. There is a beauty in destruction.

I have the biggest double standards I have seen on a person. I'm infinitely optimistic to others and the polar opposite when it comes to matters concerning me. I cannot take compliments. When coming from someone who cares for me, it is automatically nullified, because it is more out of their liking for me. And yet, criticism is welcomed with a perverse thirst because it reaffirms deep rooted insecurity.

Sometimes all you need from your life is simplicity. Someone or something that can give you the strength to untangle the complicated mess you have created over years. What happens when you unravel it and there's nothing left? What if that complex web was you, all along?

"Cuatro meses más hermosa"

We were never very conventional.
Maybe that's why our best conversations as friends was via Inbox. Forty plus mails a day. Random, unconnected, yet beautiful. There is such innocence in uncertainty. There is such beauty in friendships that have unsaid boundaries.
Life teaches us that the best things come as surprises. They might pass by you everyday in the corridor. They might say the occasional hello in class. They might just be in the background, unnoticed but always there. And then some day, purely by chance, you realize in mild amazement just how much you have never noticed about that person. How they have a tiny mark just below their collarbone that you presumed (in passing) to be a birthmark, but which actually has a story behind it. How they drink bottles of water to stay up instead of caffeine. How they are never out of mouthwash and how they cannot eat unless they have yogurt. How they cannot watch movies alone. How they have watched Harold and Kumar and Kung Fu Panda so many times, they know all the lines off by heart. How they can sleep through an earthquake but wake up at 5 am in the morning to watch an NBA Game. How they eat cereal in the middle of the night and how they like their toast.
There is so much you don't notice when you are not paying attention. Then suddenly, overnight, your mind starts focusing on every little detail, every little quirk...till you know them inside out. Till they are committed to memory.
We were never conventional. Which explains days and days of uncertainty and confusion. Days and days of fearing things would change, and then realizing together that they changed for the better.
We were never conventional. Which explains why neither of us actually bothered to remember the exact date. Which is why it was decided by consensus, that it would be the 27th.
We spend years hurtling through our lives; looking for direction; looking for a motive. We run without reason. We move alone. In our effort to simplify our lives, we choose the easy way out everywhere; whether it comes to work or studies or relationships. We fear to commit. We fear being vulnerable. We fear acceptance. Most of all, we fear the ideal. We spend out entire lives seeking our own versions of perfection and when we meet someone who comes the closest to making us feel completely at peace with ourselves, we turn and we run. We fear exactly what we need and what we have always been looking for.
We were never conventional. So what we feared the most was losing what we had. What we had built over some time; a friendship so valuable, neither of us wanted to be responsible for changing it. Life often teaches us that the best thing we can do is also the bravest; to take a plunge. To just close our eyes and go for it.
Which is why, 4 months hence, there is not a single regret.
Which is why, 4 months hence, it still feels as new as 1.
Which is why I am in love with my best friend. My favorite person in the world, and hands down the best human being I have had the fortune of meeting. I feel truly blessed.
I wish I could do or say more, but distances are tough. And I hope this conveys even one per cent of how much this means to me.
I love you.

Scattered.

1)There is so little you can do when the people who matter the most to you have expectations that always outdo you. They aren't unachievable as much as they are transient. End result remains the same. If we didn't have any expectations off people, would their be no disappointments?

2)So finally I had one day at work that didn't leave me disappointed. Met this really nice Chinese girl who had come over with her team for a project. I need to be talking to interesting people to stay sane.

3)Life reminds you at every step, each day, how much you need to grow mentally. It doesn't always help you after this point. Every day you live is a battle won. Between the right choices and the ones that entice you. Between giving up and fighting. Between who you are and who others want you to be.

4)Just because you feel like writing does not mean you have anything relevant to say. Sometimes you just write to fill in the blanks. Or because it is your only savior and friend.

5)There are times you realize that the only thing you seek but fear at the same time, is permanence. You seek because you know that for once, what you have, has started defining you as a person. You fear, because only when you have something that precious, do you live with the constant fear of losing it.