Lessons Learned

It has been more than two weeks since I got back to Bombay and things are NOT looking up, health-wise. It's either drunken injuries that I discover a few days late and do not remember getting or bruises from overenthusiastic participants of classroom war-simulation games or your run-of-the-mill severe skin condition on the chest that pains to the point of rendering me immobile and doesn't respond to medication. In a nut shell, I just keep getting progressively more disaster-prone with time. 

After a very long time, there is a class in college that stumps me completely. I have never been able to make peace with not understanding what is taught in class, this takes it to a whole new dimension. Combine that with a spectacular lack of motivation and what you have is a major problem in your hands.

Moving into the hostel has been...I don't know...not the most comfortable of experiences. I do not like my room or my flat and the prospect of new people moving in soon. I also don't like how musty the kitchen/store smells and I can't bring myself to touch anything without analyzing it for unwanted substances. Still cannot get over the fact that this house used to be inhabited by men before we moved in. Call it prejudice or just pure sense. 

On the bright side, I have started to develop a soft spot for my (accidental) roommate. She is possibly the most innocent, harmless person I have met in my life. This obviously makes her a butt of many bitchy jibes within the hostel (not surprising, coming from girls. Women have an ingrained knack of disregarding any positives and going for the kill anyway). I like how we have found a way to adjust to living in such close quarters and yet giving each other all the space we could ask for. 

And of course, the one constant that makes everything worthwhile...the Delhiite, after six months, remains a source of unending companionship and familiarity. It fascinates me how every passing day is so full of promise. And how we manage to make memories when we least intend to. 

All in all, a pointless post. But its left me feeling better than what I felt before writing it.

More later

M

There is a thin line between realism and pessimism that I tread on all the time. It's my normal state of mind. I am always preparing for the worst but at the same time trying to look like I have hope for the best. Faith is such a weapon. Faith is such a disguise. It is the biggest folly and sometimes your only savior. It pulls you down or keeps you afloat.

And in spite of all my cynicism, I cannot deny the fact that I am living closest to a dream at present. For the last 6 months, I have been happy and secure and self assured. In a transient world and time, my biggest comfort and strongest wall of support remains a person that entered my life without plan and changed it. He changed me. Into a much nicer, more selfless, cheesier version of myself. Into someone who thinks things over more carefully and doesn't just do the first thing that comes to her mind. Into someone who cares about the consequences of her own actions. Into someone who closes her eyes and trusts. Into a better person.

It's amazing how I start every new day with the same anticipation. It's amazing how we can walk around a bookstore and lean over laughing over toy  and bookshelves. It's amazing how he can continue gently persuading me when I am being irrationally stubborn. Its amazing how he can patiently watch me try to steer his car into a crazy U-turn and not be impatient. It's amazing how he plans things to perfection. It's amazing how he can make anyone laugh. It's amazing how I can never get bored of him. It's amazing how I am always wishing for more time. It's amazing how we can just be together and yet be ourselves.

It is amazing how I can be impossibly low and start writing about him and feel much better and lucky and blessed.

It is pretty fucking amazing.

I love you. In case you still read.

When you expect the worst and prepare yourself for it, often life surprises you with quite the contrary. When you reason and argue and plead with a God whose existence you are still slightly skeptical about, you sometimes end up hearing a comforting, reassuring voice telling you to keep faith. When you hold on to that faith and try to believe, you are sometimes proved right. And when that happens, you ignore all your skepticism, you look up, and you thank God.

I am so happy.

Five.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you are quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud in the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real, it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." - Bob Marley.

Happy Five.

What do you do when you are compelled to choose between two people and you sympathize with both? Is there always a "right" and "wrong" even in the most obvious cases of black and white? Can your loyalty to both make you defy logic even if you are trying your best to be rational? What if rationality lies in being torn?

You know those times when you are living a phase that will later become a dividing line in your life? And you have nothing to count upon but yourself to not lose your mind. And beyond all tendency, you have to force yourself to keep certain people close. 

The Delhiite remains a constant source of relentless support. Hearing me say the same things, again and again. Trying to keep me positive. Or at least not completely devoid of hope. Trying to show me logic when I am blind to everything. 

You know those times when a person comes and divides your life into the time before them and after?

That is what the Delhiite is.

It is very very hard. But I believe we are never given more than we are capable of handling. If this is a test for all of us, then so be it. Maybe this is how things will fall into place. Maybe they never were.

There are times I wonder when I will ever be okay with uncalled judgement being passed on my character by the people I know. When I'll be strong enough to not be affected even the slightest bit. My father says I should have that much conviction in myself and my own ideals to know when I owe it to myself to just ignore the other person's character analysis of me. To look them in the eye and have the determination to remain silent and not crumble inside. He says thats my biggest weakness. That I pretend to remain undaunted and I fight back, but at the end of it all, I will resign. Take it as a reaffirmation of my own fears. Help it become more real. And isn't it ironic how most of us are the constructors of our own breakdown?

If only we had the will power to stand firmly and remain loyal to ourselves and just believe in the fact that we know ourselves better, and that we aren't born to please everyone. If only we had the strength to not shatter when the people closest to us are of no help? If only we had that much belief in the fact that we are absolutely alone when it all comes down to the basics. And we are each capable of surviving that way; just fighting for ourselves and having nobody by our side to give us reassurances.
If only we had some faith in ourselves and stopped looking for it everywhere else but within.

So today was officially my last day at work. I am beyond relieved. The last three weeks were worse than what I had ever anticipated, and I went in with no expectations. In fact, in regular fashion, typical of myself, I went in with zero expectations. I had heard enough horror stories about the trauma interns face freshly into an organization or a firm. Floating around in the bottom of the pool isn't the best feeling. Personally, what bothered me the most was the fact that I was kept jobless for a very long time. This has been a learning experience only in terms of making me very skeptical about whether I'm cut out for a proper job with "tasks" being assigned to me.
I somehow can't see myself be happy in such an environment, ever.

I have always considered myself a realist. When it comes to my own life and future, I am very guarded. And I generally prepare for the worst case scenario in every situation. Does acceptance of the possibility of misfortune make you a pessimist? If you are more courageously hopeful when it comes to others, does that point toward a double standard?

I have another month at home. And something tells me I should spend it in the highest level of comfort and laziness possible. Come July, my life will be very different once more. I will be moving into the hostel and living with a bunch of girls, some known to me, some absolute strangers. Somehow I'm more wary of a few that I know. College will resume again and with it all the tests and assignments and presentations. I will be seeing the Delhiite after more than two months, and see how things are in that front. Distance and time apart always bring about subtle changes, be it good or bad. It would be interesting to see how things would be in a month's time.

I would like to write more, but I've had a long day and my thoughts aren't overly organized. More later.