This new blog does not signify some landmark event of my life. I have not reached any elevated plane of realization, neither have I significantly changed as a person. I am the same accident-prone, overly impulsive, reactionary person that I have been for the last 19 years of my life. This date does not hold any unique significance to me. To be fair, it is just a normal Saturday.
Except for the fact that unlike all other Saturdays, I did not wake up at seven in the morning and rush for my first lecture. I put my phone on Silent and continued to sleep for another two hours. Something told me I didn't have it in me to travel two hours to college today. Something told me I needed to rest myself completely over the weekend, as best as I could. Immediately, my conscience started to hunt for justifications for this sort of indulgence. Because our lives have trained us to not give ourselves any extra care and attention unless some colossal achievement has been made which validates this. And just like that, we live our life hurtling from one task to another, one place to another, stopping for minute-long breathers and then resuming the race again. My conscience lives up to expectations. As soon as I put my phone on Silent and cancel the Alarms, a snide voice in my head asks me why.
"Do you really think you can afford to take so many breaks in life, Misha?"
Well...no. And haven't we been taught to fight that monster called Laziness and tide over adversity on the grand old boat of Might? But is this laziness really? Last night was terrible. I came back home to find a package of my favorite kinds of chocolate from my Mom. A random gesture of affection, to remind me how much they miss me back at home. A very close friend texted me around the same time to tell me he had reached home (he has gone back home for a fortnight for his sister's wedding). And all of a sudden a tidal wave of melancholy crashed into me. It took me completely by surprise. So much so that I landed flat with no time to break my fall. All the familiar thoughts of loneliness and non-belonging and home-sickness swirled around me. You know when you are fighting a lost battle with your mind. And I did not have the strength to shake this sudden low off and distract myself with anything. I just knew I needed a break. A proper one. Spent just doing the things my instinct told me to. Not what I ought to.
And so I made up my mind to resume working on my very first New Years Resolution. This was made somewhere in early November, about a week after my ex boyfriend broke up with me without so much as a word of explanation, automatically taking away from me the biggest and only security blanket I had carried with me to this new unfamiliar city. I lost the person I considered my best friend and confidante. In the process of settling in and getting accustomed to college, I had stopped trying to make any new friends since I took it for granted that I had my closest friend by me. Not to ramble about this more than necessary (self pity loves a good chat), I was thrown off completely by shock as to how lonely I really was. This was about the time I went back home for Diwali and somehow managed to hold my bearings, giving way only a few times, that too in seclusion. To be honest, I was broken. True to the word shattered. Not because I did not have a "boyfriend" figure anymore. I doubt I ever had that with him. We had the most abusive, violent, poisonous relationship, to be honest. But he was still my closest friend. I still spent 80 per cent of my days writing/talking to him. And it was all gone in literally a matter of a few hours.
My friend P was with me every second of this, talking to me for hours on the phone. Chiding me and urging me to pull myself together. I took my first proper break late October, two days after the break up. This was after staying up through the night crying and finally throwing up because it was impossible to cry more. Getting out of bed was not an option. I called her up at 6 in the morning, not bothering to consider if she would be sleeping. I just needed some validation. And she told me exactly what I wanted to hear. She said- "Take a day off. Completely. Don't worry about college, don't worry about your studies. Just make yourself breakfast. Eat well. Watch something on your laptop for the entire day till you fall asleep. And switch your phone off."
I watched Friends reruns for 9 hours that day, interrupted only by trips to the bathroom or kitchen. By the end of it, I was not crying. I was exhausted, every cell of my body was crying for some rest. And I slept. Fitfully. After more than 72 hours, I slept like a rock.
When I woke up, I made a resolution. I promised myself that I would pick up all the pieces and start fixing my life properly. I resolved to do whatever it took to love MYSELF and be content with my own company and not look outwards for love and reassurance.
Its been 4 months. I don't talk to my ex anymore. I went out and made an actual effort to meet people and ended up making a bunch of amazing friends. And although it did not happen overnight (none of these things do), I was happy. For the first time in Bombay, I could smile for no reason. I could come back home as late as I wanted. I could sit on the ledge at Carter road and have 2 hour conversations about everything under the sky. I could go get a drink with a very special girl friend and talk without inhibition about my darkest fears and hers. I could play video games (and suck at it), I could write Inboxes to people without fearing someone reading them and fighting with me later. I could stop justifying my character.
This break is of a different kind. Today I felt the need to remind myself of my resolution. Of how I'm getting there but nowhere close to the end. Of how there is so much more to be done...its a constant process.
And more than anything, what sets today apart from every other day the last four months...I woke up with an intense, unexplainable urge to write. I'm too scared to scroll up to even see how much I've written, because I have been incapable of doing so for months now. My dearest friend, writing, had taken what seemed like a permanent vacation from me. But turns out I was a little too hasty in my assumption.
And thats why the new blog.
That's why; Today.
Except for the fact that unlike all other Saturdays, I did not wake up at seven in the morning and rush for my first lecture. I put my phone on Silent and continued to sleep for another two hours. Something told me I didn't have it in me to travel two hours to college today. Something told me I needed to rest myself completely over the weekend, as best as I could. Immediately, my conscience started to hunt for justifications for this sort of indulgence. Because our lives have trained us to not give ourselves any extra care and attention unless some colossal achievement has been made which validates this. And just like that, we live our life hurtling from one task to another, one place to another, stopping for minute-long breathers and then resuming the race again. My conscience lives up to expectations. As soon as I put my phone on Silent and cancel the Alarms, a snide voice in my head asks me why.
"Do you really think you can afford to take so many breaks in life, Misha?"
Well...no. And haven't we been taught to fight that monster called Laziness and tide over adversity on the grand old boat of Might? But is this laziness really? Last night was terrible. I came back home to find a package of my favorite kinds of chocolate from my Mom. A random gesture of affection, to remind me how much they miss me back at home. A very close friend texted me around the same time to tell me he had reached home (he has gone back home for a fortnight for his sister's wedding). And all of a sudden a tidal wave of melancholy crashed into me. It took me completely by surprise. So much so that I landed flat with no time to break my fall. All the familiar thoughts of loneliness and non-belonging and home-sickness swirled around me. You know when you are fighting a lost battle with your mind. And I did not have the strength to shake this sudden low off and distract myself with anything. I just knew I needed a break. A proper one. Spent just doing the things my instinct told me to. Not what I ought to.
And so I made up my mind to resume working on my very first New Years Resolution. This was made somewhere in early November, about a week after my ex boyfriend broke up with me without so much as a word of explanation, automatically taking away from me the biggest and only security blanket I had carried with me to this new unfamiliar city. I lost the person I considered my best friend and confidante. In the process of settling in and getting accustomed to college, I had stopped trying to make any new friends since I took it for granted that I had my closest friend by me. Not to ramble about this more than necessary (self pity loves a good chat), I was thrown off completely by shock as to how lonely I really was. This was about the time I went back home for Diwali and somehow managed to hold my bearings, giving way only a few times, that too in seclusion. To be honest, I was broken. True to the word shattered. Not because I did not have a "boyfriend" figure anymore. I doubt I ever had that with him. We had the most abusive, violent, poisonous relationship, to be honest. But he was still my closest friend. I still spent 80 per cent of my days writing/talking to him. And it was all gone in literally a matter of a few hours.
My friend P was with me every second of this, talking to me for hours on the phone. Chiding me and urging me to pull myself together. I took my first proper break late October, two days after the break up. This was after staying up through the night crying and finally throwing up because it was impossible to cry more. Getting out of bed was not an option. I called her up at 6 in the morning, not bothering to consider if she would be sleeping. I just needed some validation. And she told me exactly what I wanted to hear. She said- "Take a day off. Completely. Don't worry about college, don't worry about your studies. Just make yourself breakfast. Eat well. Watch something on your laptop for the entire day till you fall asleep. And switch your phone off."
I watched Friends reruns for 9 hours that day, interrupted only by trips to the bathroom or kitchen. By the end of it, I was not crying. I was exhausted, every cell of my body was crying for some rest. And I slept. Fitfully. After more than 72 hours, I slept like a rock.
When I woke up, I made a resolution. I promised myself that I would pick up all the pieces and start fixing my life properly. I resolved to do whatever it took to love MYSELF and be content with my own company and not look outwards for love and reassurance.
Its been 4 months. I don't talk to my ex anymore. I went out and made an actual effort to meet people and ended up making a bunch of amazing friends. And although it did not happen overnight (none of these things do), I was happy. For the first time in Bombay, I could smile for no reason. I could come back home as late as I wanted. I could sit on the ledge at Carter road and have 2 hour conversations about everything under the sky. I could go get a drink with a very special girl friend and talk without inhibition about my darkest fears and hers. I could play video games (and suck at it), I could write Inboxes to people without fearing someone reading them and fighting with me later. I could stop justifying my character.
This break is of a different kind. Today I felt the need to remind myself of my resolution. Of how I'm getting there but nowhere close to the end. Of how there is so much more to be done...its a constant process.
And more than anything, what sets today apart from every other day the last four months...I woke up with an intense, unexplainable urge to write. I'm too scared to scroll up to even see how much I've written, because I have been incapable of doing so for months now. My dearest friend, writing, had taken what seemed like a permanent vacation from me. But turns out I was a little too hasty in my assumption.
And thats why the new blog.
That's why; Today.
Beautiful Misha, I'm proud of you. Honestly its beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteI love you. When I was talking about loving myself, I was constantly thinking of you. For obvious reasons.
ReplyDeleteYou remain an inspiration.
dear M
ReplyDeletesometimes in life you really need that push when you fall down so hard that you're afraid to get up and look at the world again... and you suffered through it but the best part about is that you eventually learn to stand up dust yourselves and walk over all that shit with your head high and confidence in place
nothing can on earth or should beat you up so bad that you lose yourself and your confidence
but the best part is that M you've come out of it the same people change completely into different individuals but the key is to remain the same and have no regrets cuz even that shittiest person taught us a lot and realised of how wonderful you are!!!!
cheers to my new M
n i know how you must have felt while writing this like a chapter has ended and a new has finally begun!!