"Not all those who wander are lost"

Every day spent idling away adds to my frustration. There's little that can be done in terms of improvement when I can't bring myself to talk about it. That's what my mother urges me to do..to talk about what's bothering me. All our lives, we indulge in the futility of enunciating the needless. When there is no way to make it to the shore, why start swimming?

I start every morning with a renewed resolution to be a little more positive and every following day is a testimony of my failure in doing just that. How hard is it to just be happy? Turns out, sometimes its the hardest thing to do. Being happy requires effort. It involves pushing down a lot of negativity that has become synonymous with your entire thought process. It involves denying yourself of a very convenient emotional pitfall. There is a beauty in destruction.

I have the biggest double standards I have seen on a person. I'm infinitely optimistic to others and the polar opposite when it comes to matters concerning me. I cannot take compliments. When coming from someone who cares for me, it is automatically nullified, because it is more out of their liking for me. And yet, criticism is welcomed with a perverse thirst because it reaffirms deep rooted insecurity.

Sometimes all you need from your life is simplicity. Someone or something that can give you the strength to untangle the complicated mess you have created over years. What happens when you unravel it and there's nothing left? What if that complex web was you, all along?

"Cuatro meses más hermosa"

We were never very conventional.
Maybe that's why our best conversations as friends was via Inbox. Forty plus mails a day. Random, unconnected, yet beautiful. There is such innocence in uncertainty. There is such beauty in friendships that have unsaid boundaries.
Life teaches us that the best things come as surprises. They might pass by you everyday in the corridor. They might say the occasional hello in class. They might just be in the background, unnoticed but always there. And then some day, purely by chance, you realize in mild amazement just how much you have never noticed about that person. How they have a tiny mark just below their collarbone that you presumed (in passing) to be a birthmark, but which actually has a story behind it. How they drink bottles of water to stay up instead of caffeine. How they are never out of mouthwash and how they cannot eat unless they have yogurt. How they cannot watch movies alone. How they have watched Harold and Kumar and Kung Fu Panda so many times, they know all the lines off by heart. How they can sleep through an earthquake but wake up at 5 am in the morning to watch an NBA Game. How they eat cereal in the middle of the night and how they like their toast.
There is so much you don't notice when you are not paying attention. Then suddenly, overnight, your mind starts focusing on every little detail, every little quirk...till you know them inside out. Till they are committed to memory.
We were never conventional. Which explains days and days of uncertainty and confusion. Days and days of fearing things would change, and then realizing together that they changed for the better.
We were never conventional. Which explains why neither of us actually bothered to remember the exact date. Which is why it was decided by consensus, that it would be the 27th.
We spend years hurtling through our lives; looking for direction; looking for a motive. We run without reason. We move alone. In our effort to simplify our lives, we choose the easy way out everywhere; whether it comes to work or studies or relationships. We fear to commit. We fear being vulnerable. We fear acceptance. Most of all, we fear the ideal. We spend out entire lives seeking our own versions of perfection and when we meet someone who comes the closest to making us feel completely at peace with ourselves, we turn and we run. We fear exactly what we need and what we have always been looking for.
We were never conventional. So what we feared the most was losing what we had. What we had built over some time; a friendship so valuable, neither of us wanted to be responsible for changing it. Life often teaches us that the best thing we can do is also the bravest; to take a plunge. To just close our eyes and go for it.
Which is why, 4 months hence, there is not a single regret.
Which is why, 4 months hence, it still feels as new as 1.
Which is why I am in love with my best friend. My favorite person in the world, and hands down the best human being I have had the fortune of meeting. I feel truly blessed.
I wish I could do or say more, but distances are tough. And I hope this conveys even one per cent of how much this means to me.
I love you.

Scattered.

1)There is so little you can do when the people who matter the most to you have expectations that always outdo you. They aren't unachievable as much as they are transient. End result remains the same. If we didn't have any expectations off people, would their be no disappointments?

2)So finally I had one day at work that didn't leave me disappointed. Met this really nice Chinese girl who had come over with her team for a project. I need to be talking to interesting people to stay sane.

3)Life reminds you at every step, each day, how much you need to grow mentally. It doesn't always help you after this point. Every day you live is a battle won. Between the right choices and the ones that entice you. Between giving up and fighting. Between who you are and who others want you to be.

4)Just because you feel like writing does not mean you have anything relevant to say. Sometimes you just write to fill in the blanks. Or because it is your only savior and friend.

5)There are times you realize that the only thing you seek but fear at the same time, is permanence. You seek because you know that for once, what you have, has started defining you as a person. You fear, because only when you have something that precious, do you live with the constant fear of losing it.

Unfair.

Multicolored dots.
Thats all.
Multicolored dots everywhere. Whizzing around in a sea of black. Too dark to be black...black isn't nearly that deep. Tiny psychedelic bursts in a pool of emptiness. And music. The same rhythm, the same beat. Again and again. Its in my skin. It's under it. It ripples through the surface of my body. My pulse aligned with it. The blood pounds in my ear to the same beat.
It is not pain. It is not pleasure. It's a state of non-belonging. Of drifting away. Of vaporizing.  Of disintegrating into a million amorphous pieces. Into a million multicolored dots.
Of being everywhere at the same time. Of being nothing.

How do you deal with the fact that you might never see the most important person in your life ever again?
How do you keep pretending like everything is okay?
How do you cope with helplessness that empowers you?
Is submitting to fate your only way out?

Why.

There are so many times I am reminded of this one reality of my life. Of who I am as a person. It doesn't stem out of a lot of introspection. Mostly it is just common sense. Over the years, I have found that I search for things or people or situations to make me happy, but I have no qualms in being rock-bottom low for no conceivable reason.

Now one might point out that it is highly improbable for someone to be upset about nothing at all. There is always something simmering right below the surface, waiting to boil over and overpower you mentally and emotionally. Partly true. But there are many times when I reach that place..that really dark, negative place because of so many tiny unrelated events, that they really cannot validate such an extreme downward spiral. At times like these, it is impossible for me to remain rational. Positivity is a far cry when you feel like your brain is wrapped around with sponge, compressing it...muffling your every sense.Till you feel this strong sense of dissociation..like somebody physically uprooted you from your body and you are just a lifeless spectator to your own world. Silence screams. It screams loudly.

The Delhiite says sometimes I speak like I am a whole other person. He is right. I am a living contradiction to myself...my life is a bunch of extremities. I can be annoyingly optimistic or negative beyond hope. I can either give someone every second of my time and ounce of my energy, or I can completely shut off and withdraw from people I once considered important. I take time as a crutch to aid me to get over people and events or I hold on to something that never existed. I love and I hate. Sometimes both at the same time, and for the same person.

I have been here before, this is all much too familiar. But I have overcome all of it and proved myself wrong countless times. So above all, I have that tiny marvelous thing called hope that sees me through. When I cannot make sense of why everything is disintegrating around me, when my body is aching everywhere but its just in my mind, when I can't find any control over my own life, I still have that reassurance of my own past. The fact that I can overcome and move on. The fact that I once saw no end and still continued to walk, and haven't stopped yet.

Of new beginnings

I had an interview for the first job of my life today. It went pretty well and I got it. So from Monday, I will be working with Oxfam, a not for profit organization which works towards bringing about policy change for eradicating abject poverty and empowering women. Somehow I have a nagging feeling that I should be more excited/happy about this than I am.

I guess I just don't like change. Moving into new territory makes me slightly skeptical. It takes me some time to find a proper foothold in new social situations.

This entry has no purpose. Or maybe its because the Delhiite just called and I said out loud everything I wanted to write down. Ah well :) Sometimes all you need is to hear from your best friend and everything seems a few shades more positive and manageable. More later.
M

"Love comes to those who still HOPE even though they have been disappointed, to those who still BELIEVE even though they have been betrayed, to those who still LOVE even though they have been hurt before."

Some days you wake up at rock bottom. You open your eyes and you are in the pitch blackness of a place scarily familiar. The ground under your back is firm, unrelenting. You've been told the only way hereon is up. But your head is shattering into a million tiny pieces from insides, your thoughts so poisonous...pure venom. The kind of negativity nothing can cure. You just have to wait. 

Wait for perspective. Wait for your own mind to stop caving in on itself. Wait to regain some of the confidence and motivation to not give up on everything that you know is lying latent somewhere inside of you. 

And no matter how wrong it is, you push away your friends. The people who mean the most to you. The ones who can fix you. You say hurtful things, you withdraw, you hide. You do the very same you hate being done to you, but the double standard is justified by your sense of self preservation. 

Is there ever an end to feeling this way?

Is it just temporary?