Six

Sometimes in life, you are lost. You are surrounded by people you call your friends and who consider you theirs, but you are constantly lonely. Sometimes in life, you push limits just to test them and to test yourself and the people around you. Often this ends in disappointment in others and oneself. Some times in life you refuse to have faith but certain people edge their way in and never leave. Often those people save you.
Some times in life, you learn more lessons from one person than you have from all other experiences you have had before meeting them. Often they make you a better person and soon enough, you start changing into the kind of person you have always wanted to be. They make you selfless, thoughtful and less aggressive. They rap you on the head when you are being stupid and they grab your hand when you are crossing the road because they are convinced you WILL die, if they don't. They know when you really want dessert and are just being polite. They order you a large side of fries when you are being fussy and indecisive about food. They know when you won't bow down and will give in. They can tell when you are quiet because you are at peace and when you are quiet because you are just upset. They know what drives you crazy and do the very same thing at times. They remind you, every moment of every day, why they are the best thing that ever happened to you. They make you blessed. They fix you.

Six months of feeling like that. Six months of feeling like the luckiest person in the world.

I love you.

Happy You Know What. :)

Lessons Learned

It has been more than two weeks since I got back to Bombay and things are NOT looking up, health-wise. It's either drunken injuries that I discover a few days late and do not remember getting or bruises from overenthusiastic participants of classroom war-simulation games or your run-of-the-mill severe skin condition on the chest that pains to the point of rendering me immobile and doesn't respond to medication. In a nut shell, I just keep getting progressively more disaster-prone with time. 

After a very long time, there is a class in college that stumps me completely. I have never been able to make peace with not understanding what is taught in class, this takes it to a whole new dimension. Combine that with a spectacular lack of motivation and what you have is a major problem in your hands.

Moving into the hostel has been...I don't know...not the most comfortable of experiences. I do not like my room or my flat and the prospect of new people moving in soon. I also don't like how musty the kitchen/store smells and I can't bring myself to touch anything without analyzing it for unwanted substances. Still cannot get over the fact that this house used to be inhabited by men before we moved in. Call it prejudice or just pure sense. 

On the bright side, I have started to develop a soft spot for my (accidental) roommate. She is possibly the most innocent, harmless person I have met in my life. This obviously makes her a butt of many bitchy jibes within the hostel (not surprising, coming from girls. Women have an ingrained knack of disregarding any positives and going for the kill anyway). I like how we have found a way to adjust to living in such close quarters and yet giving each other all the space we could ask for. 

And of course, the one constant that makes everything worthwhile...the Delhiite, after six months, remains a source of unending companionship and familiarity. It fascinates me how every passing day is so full of promise. And how we manage to make memories when we least intend to. 

All in all, a pointless post. But its left me feeling better than what I felt before writing it.

More later

M

There is a thin line between realism and pessimism that I tread on all the time. It's my normal state of mind. I am always preparing for the worst but at the same time trying to look like I have hope for the best. Faith is such a weapon. Faith is such a disguise. It is the biggest folly and sometimes your only savior. It pulls you down or keeps you afloat.

And in spite of all my cynicism, I cannot deny the fact that I am living closest to a dream at present. For the last 6 months, I have been happy and secure and self assured. In a transient world and time, my biggest comfort and strongest wall of support remains a person that entered my life without plan and changed it. He changed me. Into a much nicer, more selfless, cheesier version of myself. Into someone who thinks things over more carefully and doesn't just do the first thing that comes to her mind. Into someone who cares about the consequences of her own actions. Into someone who closes her eyes and trusts. Into a better person.

It's amazing how I start every new day with the same anticipation. It's amazing how we can walk around a bookstore and lean over laughing over toy  and bookshelves. It's amazing how he can continue gently persuading me when I am being irrationally stubborn. Its amazing how he can patiently watch me try to steer his car into a crazy U-turn and not be impatient. It's amazing how he plans things to perfection. It's amazing how he can make anyone laugh. It's amazing how I can never get bored of him. It's amazing how I am always wishing for more time. It's amazing how we can just be together and yet be ourselves.

It is amazing how I can be impossibly low and start writing about him and feel much better and lucky and blessed.

It is pretty fucking amazing.

I love you. In case you still read.

When you expect the worst and prepare yourself for it, often life surprises you with quite the contrary. When you reason and argue and plead with a God whose existence you are still slightly skeptical about, you sometimes end up hearing a comforting, reassuring voice telling you to keep faith. When you hold on to that faith and try to believe, you are sometimes proved right. And when that happens, you ignore all your skepticism, you look up, and you thank God.

I am so happy.