I like Februaries.
They are that time of the year for me when I properly start reflecting on the year that has passed. Januaries are just too full of anticipation and accidental mistakes while writing the date. Every year around this time, something triggers me to pause briefly and rethink things. Sometimes it leads to me embarking on newly found interests, like five years ago when I first began writing a blog. And sometimes it makes me realize that I need to jump start on a new way of life or an attitude towards it.
As always, my words flow more easily when I am not speaking them out loud. And so often I wonder what all the fuss is about there. You spend so much time and energy in relationships that finally put you in that place where you can talk about your feelings and your fears without being ashamed of them, but the end result is not even close to what you expected. Why utter words that fall on closed ears? Maybe it is not the worst thing, to keep your thoughts to yourself.
The last month has been very tough, to give a modest estimate. When my parents moved away, I didn't allow the true intensity of the situation to register properly. Maybe it was self defense, maybe it was just convenient, or maybe I was blissfully deluded. But it's never easy to break it to yourself that your best friend for the first 20 years of your life is going to move away halfway across the world and expect to deal with it in 30 days. Neither have I been the best person to adjust to change, major or otherwise. So I sought solace in the irrational belief that I could hold on to one person and expect him to keep my world from spinning around a little too fast. That's my biggest weakness. Irrational belief.
Not to be confused with expectation. An expectation is not nearly as naive or dangerous as a belief. You play with your faith when you believe, you merely play on your luck when you expect. Luck is an instrument to be regularly blamed or lauded. Faith once lost doesn't return.
I find myself addicted so often to objects and people. I am addicted to feeling secure. I live for those days when I feel like nothing can change immediately. That that very moment of happiness is infinite. It is like my own hiding place against everything that scares me, and once in, I forget how to get out. I get so used to the comfort that I refuse to believe that I can and have survived without it too. At times I feel that living with some amount of dissatisfaction or loneliness keeps you grounded. It's like a slow persistent journey of damage control.
Somewhere along the way, over the last three years, I have forgotten that being alone doesn't have to imply loneliness. I have become so wholly and completely dependent on people to validate my happiness and sense of security that when left alone, I am hopelessly lost. Last year, around this time, I finally found myself in a place where I could be strong enough to bank on no one else but myself and the only two people in the world that I can forever trust to be on my side and not abandon; my parents. I need that back.
Because I might be in a bad place right now, but I can fight through it only if I stop deluding myself. And only if I admit to the fact that at the end of the day, we are all alone, and we are all fighting our own battles. In your best of times, you can look up to find a hundred different friends. In your worst, you must brace yourself to fight your own demons. Maybe when you are done, you might find those people again. And maybe you might learn to laugh at the irony.
They are that time of the year for me when I properly start reflecting on the year that has passed. Januaries are just too full of anticipation and accidental mistakes while writing the date. Every year around this time, something triggers me to pause briefly and rethink things. Sometimes it leads to me embarking on newly found interests, like five years ago when I first began writing a blog. And sometimes it makes me realize that I need to jump start on a new way of life or an attitude towards it.
As always, my words flow more easily when I am not speaking them out loud. And so often I wonder what all the fuss is about there. You spend so much time and energy in relationships that finally put you in that place where you can talk about your feelings and your fears without being ashamed of them, but the end result is not even close to what you expected. Why utter words that fall on closed ears? Maybe it is not the worst thing, to keep your thoughts to yourself.
The last month has been very tough, to give a modest estimate. When my parents moved away, I didn't allow the true intensity of the situation to register properly. Maybe it was self defense, maybe it was just convenient, or maybe I was blissfully deluded. But it's never easy to break it to yourself that your best friend for the first 20 years of your life is going to move away halfway across the world and expect to deal with it in 30 days. Neither have I been the best person to adjust to change, major or otherwise. So I sought solace in the irrational belief that I could hold on to one person and expect him to keep my world from spinning around a little too fast. That's my biggest weakness. Irrational belief.
Not to be confused with expectation. An expectation is not nearly as naive or dangerous as a belief. You play with your faith when you believe, you merely play on your luck when you expect. Luck is an instrument to be regularly blamed or lauded. Faith once lost doesn't return.
I find myself addicted so often to objects and people. I am addicted to feeling secure. I live for those days when I feel like nothing can change immediately. That that very moment of happiness is infinite. It is like my own hiding place against everything that scares me, and once in, I forget how to get out. I get so used to the comfort that I refuse to believe that I can and have survived without it too. At times I feel that living with some amount of dissatisfaction or loneliness keeps you grounded. It's like a slow persistent journey of damage control.
Somewhere along the way, over the last three years, I have forgotten that being alone doesn't have to imply loneliness. I have become so wholly and completely dependent on people to validate my happiness and sense of security that when left alone, I am hopelessly lost. Last year, around this time, I finally found myself in a place where I could be strong enough to bank on no one else but myself and the only two people in the world that I can forever trust to be on my side and not abandon; my parents. I need that back.
Because I might be in a bad place right now, but I can fight through it only if I stop deluding myself. And only if I admit to the fact that at the end of the day, we are all alone, and we are all fighting our own battles. In your best of times, you can look up to find a hundred different friends. In your worst, you must brace yourself to fight your own demons. Maybe when you are done, you might find those people again. And maybe you might learn to laugh at the irony.
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